From The Onion:

Starving Third World Masses Warned Against Evils of Contraception

SÃO PAULO, BRAZIL—During a visit to the teeming slums of São Paulo Monday, Cardinal Anthony Bevilacqua warned the city's starving masses against the evils of contraception, urging them to "be fruitful and multiply" and do "everything in [their] power" to resist the mortal sin of birth control.

"In Genesis, God commands us to be fruitful and multiply, to fill the Earth and subdue it, and have dominion over the fish and birds and every other living thing," said Bevilacqua, speaking before more than 200,000 malnourished São Paulo slum dwellers. "It is not for man to decide whether the world should have more babies than it can reasonably support. God will decide whose seed shall find purchase and when."

"We were told we should not use condoms to prevent the spread of HIV," said Luis Ortiz of Bogotá, Colombia. "The man from the Church assured us that the Lord will protect us from disease, provided we are true to His wish that we produce more children than we can possibly care for."

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