Interview by Mike "Bob "Whelp" Mike "Hitler"" Whelchel

1.) They say that New York is a Hell of a town. You certainly seem to agree, so why don't you tell us the five greatest things about living in the Big Apple? While your at it, write about whether or not these things make up for the fact that you're represented by the Knicks (really, if I lived in New York, I'd claim the Harlem Globetrotters as my local basketball team).

1. Food delivery any time of day or night. Though this may seem an odd choice for the number one best thing about living here… well, on second thought, probably none of you think that this is an odd choice for number one. I know you all. Most of you are up at three in the morning, possibly stoned, thinking “damn, I sure would like a sandwich right about now… too bad it’s raining and every store in the state is closed.”

Not me baby! It’s 3:18 in the morning and if I want sprouts and a hunk of brie on, I don’t know, an onion bagel (I mean, I wouldn’t order that. It’s just that I could) I just have to pick up the phone. It’ll be here in about six minutes because the delivery guys run. Beat that with a stick.

2. The Ladies. The women in this town are incredibly beautiful. And it’s a different kind of beautiful woman you get than when you’re hanging out in Beverly Hills or Hollywood (listen to David Cross, he gives a decent account of the L.A. “hot scene”) The hot women here are hot and not all of them are aspiring actresses. Some of them are doctors (or at least play them on Law & Order). Some of them are lawyers. Real ones.. Some of them are the waitress at the Life Café that I’m totally in love with (actually, I guess just one of them is but whatever). The ladies here are gorgeous, and on the whole I find them to use the word “like” a whole lot less than their west coast counterparts.

It also must be remembered that I do go to theatre school, which means that I also see my fair share of gorgeous ladies that actually are aspiring actresses. Which is OK too. At least they’re trying to hone their craft before getting on a WB sitcom or something. The theatre scene, and theatre people, are much more my bag than the TV and film people on the west coast. Here at least most people are attempting to make art, which, pretentious or not, is much more admirable to me than attempting to get famous.

3. This is a walking town. I love it. I’m so glad that I don’t need a car, that I don’t need to drive anywhere, and that this is not a hindrance to any activity in which I wish to participate (it’s actually quite helpful in most circumstances). If the distance is too long to walk in the time provided, or if I’m too tired, I have both an incredibly reliable subway system and bus system to take me wherever I need to go.

Which leads to this interesting subcategory, which is how wonderfully the streets are arranged. They’re numbered! In order! Which means that, except in the West Village (where 4th St. intersects 4th St. ugh.), it’s nearly impossible to get lost. Even if you’ve never been someplace before, there ain’t no problem. If they say “sixty-fifth and second” you don’t exactly need a Thomas Guide.

I love walking in this town. At my website you see that much of my writing touches on walking through the city. It’s such a visceral, wonderful, fantastically rewarding experience. The 10 and the 605 can bite me, I’ll take my shoes and the pavement any day.

4. When the aliens or the asteroid or the comet or the nukes or the fucking killer bees come to destroy Earth and the human race, I’m gonna get to experience it first-hand. Don’t say Hollywood never taught you anything.

5. I never have to leave this city. Hell, I never leave Manhattan, screw the other boroughs! They’ve managed to pack everything into this tiny island. There’s a major city all around. If I get sick of city, I can go to the giant park in the middle of it. I can climb trees and rocks, sit by a lake, go to the top of a castle, watch Shakespeare for free in an open auditorium. I can visit the zoo and see penguins (penguins!) living in the middle of Central Park. I can see the best theatre in the world, and the best movies because there’s an independent movie house on every corner where there isn’t a multiplex. I can go to some of the finest museums in the world, some of the finest restaurants in the world if I could afford them, but still find wonderful places to eat cheaply and still be well fed. New York City man.

Final Answer: Yes, all this does in fact make up for the fact that the Knicks play their games in this city and also claim it as theirs. Barely. Herman Melville wrote in Moby Dick “I do suck most wondrous…” That has nothing to do with this. However, he also wrote “In order to truly enjoy warmth, some small part of you must be cold; for there is nothing in this world that is not what it is merely by contrast.” Hating the Knicks and the Yankees just makes me realize how wonderful the rest of this city is. Plus, we got Spider-Man.

2.) You're the President of the United States of America. You have just been informed that we have been contacted by an alien spacecraft from Mars. The only sure fact that you know about the Martians is that everything that they know about us is what they've picked up by watching our network television. Do you try to repair the damage, or do you launch a pre-emptive strike?

How much do they know?

Surely the transmissions take some time to travel. I’m not willing to try to figure out the math now, but it’s probable that they’re not caught up with us. They might still be right in the middle of Family Ties and Growing Pains. And Reagan. Which means that, while they might think we’re massive, inane tools, at least they don’t have an absolute universal responsibility to bomb us out of existence.

If their technology is better and they, too, have seen the onrush of “reality” television and George W. Bush, I feel that, as The Leader Of The Free World (in caps!) it would be my responsibility to beg them to get me the hell off of this planet.

Then I’d call Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith, get ‘em out to Area 51, and tell ‘em to upload a virus into that shit! I have got to get me one of these!

3.) You're about to become an uncle, which probably gives you quite a bit to think about. How do you feel about children? Do you plan on having any? What if you can't secure breeding rights with Halle Berry; do you want to have kids, anyway?

I believe that children are our future; we must heal the world… make it a better place… for you and for me and the entire human race.

I really like children that are raised well, so I have no doubt that my soon-to-be nephew will be one rocking child. I look forward to hanging out with him and being that “crazy New York uncle with the blue hair!”

At ths point, the only thought I’ve given to having children of my own is that if it does ever happen, it is a looooooong way off. I am still young, still in school, and still totally incapable (in my own eyes) of caring for and training a new human being. I think stability is important to children, and I don’t know where I’m going to be from month to month. Eventually, this might change… but I don’t see it happening for a while.

This stability issue is a big one, because I’m not ready to make the sacrifice to be stable at this point. I want to travel, and the only thing worse than lugging a small child across the world is going anyway and leaving it at home. The nature of my chosen profession (theatre directing) means that much of my work will be done at night, that I’ll have to take jobs where I can find them. New York or Minneapolis or Chicago or San Diego, I’ll have to go where the job is. And even if I’m here working nights, well… it just doesn’t look like it’s reasonable at this point.

Do I think that I have traits which would make me a good father? Absolutely. But at this point, I have a lot of living I want to do before bringing offspring into this world. I’m interested to see what happens in the next twenty years… which gives me ample time to try to get Halle’s phone number.

4.) You've been given a briefcase containing a gun and 100 rounds of completely untraceable ammunition. How about it, champ? Is there anyone out there who's done something that you absolutely can't forgive?

This question surprised me, because even with all the time I’ve spent reading and discussing 100 Bullets I don’t believe I’ve ever thought of this.

This is a rough one. You find that, in the comic, many of the people were surprised by the picture they found in the briefcase. Though they may have known what terrible thing had happened in their lives, they didn’t know who was responsible (or even, sometimes, that anyone was responsible). The briefcase was enough to change their mind.

So if Graves handed me the case, I wonder whose picture would be in it.

Can I think of anyone? Not really someone in the context of Graves’ game, where it has to be up close and personal. Nobody’s killed my family, nobody’s switched seats with me and put me in jail for five years, nobody’s shot me up with heroine. I think at this point I’d politely decline, and then ask Graves what the hell happened in Atlantic City.

5.) You're majoring in theatre and creative writing. As a future homeless person, what city do you want to live in? Keep in mind that New York can get pretty cold during the winter, especially for a guy with no shoes.

Yes I am majoring in theatre, but that creative writing major is a vicious terrible lie. You’re spreading some mean internet rumors here. For the record, I’m minoring in Irish Studies, thank you.

I think I’ve solved the homeless problem though. I realize that my chosen field is also a chosen self-condemnation to the depths of poverty. However, NYU also has a business school. I guess I’ll just have to go hang out there and try to pick up some accountants.

I often wonder why homeless people would choose to live in New York, and then I realize that they probably don’t have much of a choice. So with my last available funds as I went broke and got kicked out of my house, I would find a way to get to Dublin. There, even in the coldness, the knowledge given to me by my 16 credits in Irish Studies would give the cultural and social knowledge necessary to find my way into the hearts of the Irish people and achieve wealth and power.

And if that doesn’t work, I can just go to University College and try to pick up some accountant.

The truly great thing about the education I’m receiving at Playwrights is that it’s not an ACTING SCHOOOL. I’m a directing major, but I’ve also studied acting, dramaturgy, stage management, all aspects of design, producing, self-producing, writing, script analysis… that means that even though all of these jobs are low paying, I’ll be able to do any of them. Were I just an acting student I would be placed at the mercy of others. Being able to function in all of these jobs gives me greater use in the theatre world, word?

I’m looking forward to seeing what will happen. I’m curious, myself.

This was really fun. Thank you, Mike.

If you want me to interview you--post a comment that simply says, "Interview me." I'll respond with questions for you to take back to your own journal and answer as a post. Of course, they'll be different for each person since this is an interview and not a general survey. At the bottom of your post, after answering the Interviewer's questions, you ask if anyone wants to be interviewed. So it becomes your turn-- in the comments, you ask them any questions you have for them to take back to their journals and answer. And so it becomes the circle.

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