February 11, 2008

February 11, 2008

I really was going to do another Martin & Fish installment, but I have something to advertise so it'll have to wait for another week. Hooray!

If you don't remember Martin & Fish, or if you remember them but LONG to reread the 500 words that changed your life, I just went and put them all up at the still-in-beta-website. So click this link, and then read from the bottom up (unless you like your Martin & Fish like you like Memento), and then if you really don't want me to do that again send me angry missives and/or cease-and-desist letters. Link: http://www.davemcgee.com/instantbreakfast/labels/Martin__Fish.html

On to the history!

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On this date in 1812, Massachusetts governer Elbridge "Mitt" Gerry was responsible for the first ever gerrymander (no relation). Oh, of course! The gerrymander! I did a little bit of that in high school show choir! I think that's step-kick-step-turn step-(the other way)-kick-step-turn jump! twist! disenfranchise minority voters! aaaaaaaaand step and twist and then repeat only this time make sure to really give it your all when you're disenfranchising those voters! put a little life into it! kick it old school! these beats are so fresh! SNAP!

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It's National Foundation Day in Japan. It's really the cornerstone of all Japanese holidays.

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Those crazy kids at Ad Nauseum Lyceum are doing another art show (they've all been rad. seriously.) and I wrote another pageant for them. Instead of a Thanksgiving Pageant, this one is that standard American classic: the February Pageant (?)! It's called "Sex, Lies, and February" unless like IBEater Andy you hate the Oxford Comma in which case it's called "Sex, Lies and February." Also, it's nice to know that this email is going to bounce from some of your work accounts because of the name of my play. Awesome.

Anyway, one reading and ONE READING ONLY this Saturday night. Here are the deets. Hope to see you there!

Ad Nauseam Lyceum presents

BIG WHITE INSTITUTIONALIZED BOX!

a collaborative work-in-progress

Sat. and Sun. February 23 & 24

preview of the work in progress February 16 - including a 7pm playreading of Sex, Lies and February by PAGEANT! playwright David McGee

chashama @ 119th

159 W. 119th Street @ Adam Clayton Powell Blvd.

February 8, 2008

On this date in 1726, the Supreme Privy Council was established in Russia. They had the absolute best outdoor bathroom ever.

THAT'S IT FOR HISTORY. There's so much correspondence and time is of the essence!

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Correspondence of the Phat

Let's learn why calling Mardi Gras "Some Flapjack Day" can be fun for everyone!

IBEater D-Lo's email that started the whole thing:
"Though I know it may SEEM less important than the future of our country, I think the New Orleans contingent of IB ( which is quite large) feels a little slighted, nay, ostracized even, that you did not acknowledge that today happens to be Mardi Gras. Let beads, revelry, grownups dressed in outlandish costumes, and warm weather pervade the land!"

And then she suggested what should be eaten on Phat Tuesday in place of flapjacks:
"um....as much as I enjoy a good flapjack, I think that is a tradition unique to the McGee clan.
King cake, red beans and rice, gumbo, jambalaya, crawfish, poboys....these are the foods usually used to celebrate "The Gras"."

IBEater The Other Meg has some other food suggestions:
"now this is serious. i've celebrated mardi gras for 24 years.... and I don't think flapjacks have ever been a part of that. beignets- maybe, kingcakes- of course, but pancakes??? not so much....

let me know if you need any more information on the best holiday ever."

I need one more bit of information: what the heck is a kingcake? Now y'all are just making stuff up.

IBEater Owen was certainly confused by the mix-up, and also out of his mind:
"Hey, David. Would you care to explain that flapjack joke? It doesn't make any sense to me. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!! BOOGERS!"
Well, not any more.

But then in came IBEater Ronnie with a Wiki link to settle the debate:
"No flap, Jack, it's Shrove Tuesday http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shrove_Tuesday and you missed it, but you can still catch some fine no-SHT (no Shrove Tuesday—mind out of the gutter please) Vegan pancakes at Curly's & pretend that it's Pancake day if you have a mind to"
I have half a mind too. Or at least I have half a mind.

Or, as IBEater Slaney puts it:
"Shrove Tuesday. That's why it's "flapjack day," or, in the parlance of our time, PANCAKE Day. Who calls them flapjacks? As for why - I'm pretty sure it has something to do with the Jews. Or you know, the Catholics."
Nah. Pretty sure this one's all Protestants.

Anyway, on to other topics.

Correspondence of the Weak

IBEater My Mother is the awesomest:
"I think I'm speaking for every IBEater (at least those living in Pacific Standard Time) when I say that CotW makes it easier/worth getting up on Fridays. Better than any alarm clock! And, on an even more personal note, when did Heigh Ho Cherry-O drop from your list of favorite board games?"
Thanks, Mom! And in like, oh, 1988? No, 2006. It was definitely '06.

IBEater Jason don't tread on me:
"Sadly I can't obey your edict to vote. Not only am I taxed without representation, but I don't even get to submit my fake vote in the presidential practice voting session because I like to be registered as an independent. Damn you electoral college, damn you!!"
Years ago, IBEater My Brother suggested that it might not be a bad idea to register for the major party that holds the views you find most repugnant, so that you might be able to vote in their primary to try to choose the least repugnant of the repugnant options. Might be worth a shot. Q: How many times can you fit repugnant into one answer? A: Four. Wait, three.

IBEater Rory:
"I think you should have more illustrations included in the IB. Because I for one can't read. It's actually a miracle of probability that I'm able to write this."
--+++;;;__==!!'?'?<><<<<<@@++:)

IBEater Andy wears a huge wig all the time:
"holy crap... something wicked is this way coming in an infiniti. that is dead-on jonathan pryce."
Yeah, what's going on with that? I think we have to consider the possibility that Jonathan Pryce is actually King Charles II REINCARNATED. Wait, probably not. BUT MAYBE?

IBEater Alex likes horrible DragonEagles or whatever they are:
"I still think the Albanian flag in all its terrifying glory takes the cake."
For sheer terror, sure. But for coolness and whimsy I think it's the Sami vs. the Seychelles.

IBEater Not-Workstudy Dane just can't get it out of his head:
"I fear that the bright colors will leave the Sami flag imprinted on my eyes."
A flag really should do one of two things in my opinion: terrify, or blind. Otherwise, it's just a big old waste of cloth. Betsy Ross was a hack.

And IBEater My Brother has one last flag-related point:
"Doesn't that flag look like one of those colorplates in a psychology text that tells you the wheel will start spinning or something if you stare at it for thirty seconds?"
Yes. Did it... not start spinning when you looked at it? It did when I looked at it... and now... I HAVE TO KILL THE PRIME MINISTER OF MALAYSIA!

IBEater My Brother will also take you into the weekend, with the longest math joke ever. I hope you enjoy it 4/9ths as much as I did. And to the three of you disappointed that I did not really have an audition to be a morning talk show host: I'm sorry to get your hopes up. Let us all dream for tomorrow. For one day I shall rule the world. Don't unsubscribe next week, OK? Everything will work out.

Bye.

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They're still counting bodies from THE GREAT e-DAY MASSACRE OF 1828. Apparently, the killings started a little before 6:30 p.m., and continued to compound, continuously, until everyone was DEAD, or at least until this joke got old.

Being a math nerd is integral to understanding the e-Day joke appropriately. Oddly, the joke is still "e-Day" after that step.

Sorry, I'll stop now.

February 7, 2008

On this date in 1863, HMS Orpheus sank off the coast of Auckland, New Zealand. You know, with a name like "Orpheus" you really think they would have been watching where they were going.

So Happy Lunar New Year! Gōngxǐ fācái, hóngbāo nálái! And you know how to do it. Cash. Money. Anyway, it's now the Year of the Rat. Although with the success of Pixar's hit film "Ratatouille", I think it's pretty safe to say that LAST year was the Year of the Rat! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAsorry I have an audition tomorrow to be the host of a morning television talk show.

It's also "e Day" for math nerds, what with it being 2.7 today. In 2018 it's gonna get nerdtastic up in here. Mark your calendars. IN BLOOD. Or, you know, pen.

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I'm now in an ongoing argument about whether or not "Mardi Gras" can accurately be referred to as "some flapjack day." Anybody care to "weigh" in? HAHAHAHAHAsorry, I'm just really excited about this audition. We'll have a special Correspondence of the Flapjacky tomorrow, maybe. Or Correspondence of the Phat.

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I do not really have an audition tomorrow. I'm sorry I lied.

February 6, 2008

I've got a new column in an online blogazine! Check out today's Unsubscribe Information for more... um... information.

On this date in 1917, the first Sami Conference was held in Trondheim, Norway! All Sami people came together to discuss Sami things, to tell Sami tales, to... just... Sami the heck out of each other. The Sami, who are also known as the Saami (but definitely not the Saaami as that is a VERY bad word), or Lapps, or Laplanders, are the descendants of the original inhabitants of what is now Scandinavia. They have their own group of languages (Finno-Urgic, for you etymology nerds out there) and possibly the coolest flag in the whole entire world: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Sami_flag.svg Warning, Seychelles! You just got served!

Plus, a big part of their culture is Reindeer Husbandry. Which really would be an awesome name for like an Elephant 6 band.

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Also, apparently yesterday was some sort of flapjack day. I got yelled at for not mentioning it. So there ya go. Hope you had flapjacks.

Too early for flapjacks?

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I've got a new column in which I'm reviewing my nostalgia. INTRIGUING? Why, it should be! The initial entry deals with C.S. Lewis' The Magicians Nephew, and I hope you'll check it out. Also, holy crap-- Maple, Thyme, and Pecan Ice Cream? That sounds like the best thing ever.

Clicky here.

February 5, 2008

Today in New York, we've got the Presidential Primary and the victory parade for one of New Jersey's two football teams. Sounds... crowded. But fun! Yay voting!

On this date in 1778, South Carolina became the first state to ratify the Articles of Confederation (take THAT Delaware!). Then, in 1861 (on some other date), South Carolina became the first state to secede from the Union (take THAT Mississippi!). Oh, South Carolina. Always rushing headlong into things, like signing articles and seceding from Unions and... and... naming your state after British kings who bear a striking resemblance to Jonathan Pryce. Seriously: http://it.hule.harryda.se/itda05/vikhan/Engelska/Charles2england.jpg I suddenly feel like buying an Infiniti.

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Fired up. Ready to go.

February 4, 2008

On this date in 1789, George Washington was unanimously elected as President of the United States by the electoral college, even though Al Gore had decisively won the popular vote. Oh, 2000 election jokes! How I've missed you! GO VOTE TOMORROW.

On this date in 1793, George Washington was unanimously elected to a second term of office by the electoral college, but later inspection showed that the steam-powered voting machines ("Boldly Died Machines Shall Count Your Votes With Aplomb!") in the Ohio territory (shh, go with it) had registered 12 votes for Washington, even though there were only 9 eligible voters in "the Ohio territory" in 1793! Oh, 2004 election jokes! How I've missed you! GO VOTE TOMORROW.

And finally, on this date in 1998, while traveling in Belgium Bill Gates was hit in the face with a cream pie. Umm... GO VOTE TOMORROW.

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Unless you live someplace weird, like "England" or "Australia" or "Washington DC" or some other made-up place. In which case: GO VOTE... SOMEDAY.

February 1, 2008

OH NO IT'S FEBRUARY EVERYBODY RUN EVERYBODY wait actually it's fine.

On this date in 1946, Trygve Lie is selected as the first Secretary General of the United Nations, setting a high standard in name-silliness that Secretaries General since then have been trying to top.

On this date in 1913, Grand Central Terminal opened in New York as the largest train station in the world. The prophecy says that it will only be surpassed when Grander Central Terminal is built in its place, and that truly the end of the world shall be nigh when GRANDEST CENTRAL TERMINAL falls from above, crushing most of the Western Hemisphere. But man it'll be grand. The grandest! It's gonna happen soon, too. We're guessing like December 12th 2K12 for that, right? RIGHT?

Oh, and on this date in 1918, Russia adopted the Gregorian Calendar. So anybody sharing a birthday with a Russian born post-1918 doesn't have to do any math at all.

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Correspondence of the Weak!

IBEater Jason likes Vice Presidential Assassins (not the terrible band):
"I really like corresponding with other IBEaters through you - can we ask Deena how she feels about Burr?? I was always big Burr fan in my AP History class..."
Good question. Is he your personal hero for taking out A. Hamilton?

IBEater Deena, in the meantime, is worried about my ongoing illness:
"I think the Swamp Rabbit has resorted to germ warfare."

And now IBEater My Brother is gnashing his teeth, being all like "I made that joke LAST week and it didn't make it in to CotW, when I said that you caught Swamp Tularemia which is a disease you get from rabbits!" But look, I'm printing this one!
"Patterns, patterns, patterns! Rearrange "Baseball Hall of Fame", and you get Flash of blamable ale. Rearrange "Football Hall of Fame", and you get Fall, fathomable fool! So obviously a hall of fame became an angry drunk in 1936, and and 27 years later, it (predictably) died in drunken infamy. But somehow, it's still around! How is that fathomable?
You see, the hall of fame's name was Thorndike. And he had tularemia, 'cos that's a disease you get from rabbits. "
See, everybody's happy now.

IBEater Jesse runs with scissors:
"Gibraltar is made of rock. Its constitution is made of paper. This is not good at all for Gibraltar."
I did not get it the first time. I got it the second time. And then I laughed.

IBEater RachelF was a fan of yesterday's Corn Laws:
"Absolute best unsubscribe news ever... I'm glad you're not the captain of the ship. If you yelled this over the PA right after disembarking I would jump. Crazy man."
But I AM THE CAPTAIN OF THE SHIP! COOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRN!

IBEater Jason makes the angels weep:
"Are you still sick?? I think so because clearly the abolishment of the Corn Laws led to more stalking!! Get it??!?!?! The shouting is of all the people that are being stalked. Rumor has it the corn paparazzi are big fans of Prince Charles...aka the Duke of Cornwall..."
You should be ashamed of yourself. Seriously. One more like this and I'm revoking your CotW privileges. This is just despicable. Instant Breakfast does not stoop to this level. When we talk about Prince Charles, we refer to him by his actual title: The Prince of Whales. BEEEEEEELUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGAAAAAAA

A!

(the rest of the correspondence will reference the Great Ariana/Chekov Birthday IB of 2008)

IBEater Caroline shocks me:
"wait... that's it? What about "on this day... (something we've heard of)... (something that sounds vaguely truthful)... (you have a conversation with yourself and hilarity ensues...)" Nothing?? I'm sad. I'm glad it's not my birthday.
Well, I guess I should give you a break. You DO come up with this stuff EVERY day. I guess I'll just have to wait (somewhat) patiently until tomorrow... "
Wait... you're saying there's a predictable TEMPLATE for these emails? That I'm allowing myself to slip into bad habits!? You know what that means! MARTIN AND FISH, BABY!

IBEater Janet changes the subject, just to keep things interesting:
"Hey McGee, What is/are your fave board game(s) again?"
Settlers of Catan. Taboo. SCRABBLE. SCRABBLE FTW.

IBEater Andy takes care of the place while the master is away:
"strong enough for a manos, but p.h. balanced for a womanos."
Seriously. If you haven't seen it, see it: http://www.amazon.com/Mystery-Science-Theater-3000-Manos/dp/B00005S8L6

IBEater Ariana is able to stop weeping over having to sell her cherry orchard to compose this email:
"WOW! Well, while the truth has all but turned my world upside down, my disappointment has been dramatically lessened thanks to your birthday wishes and your willingness to do math and look up stuff so early in the morning for me."
Sixty percent of the time, I do math every time.

IBEater Feldman will take you into the weekend with his Mad Math Skillz. Instant Breakfast will return on Monday barring an extra onset of Swamp Tularemia, which is a disease you get from rabbits. In the meantime, have a good weekend. I have to go now. Bye.

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That's awesome! Hey Ariana! If you measured your birthday in the Julian Calendar it would be the same as my birthday, the 4th...oh, but if I measured my birthday in the Julian Calendar it would be December 22nd, and whoever's birthday is dec 22nd, in the Julian Calender it would actually be December 9th....I LOVE Math!! (More specifically, I LOVE subtracting 13 from any given number).

January 31, 2008

On this date in 1849, Corn Laws were abolished in the United Kingdom. And then, as often happens, the corn went crazy. Running all over the place. Jumping up and down and shouting. Shouting. Always shouting. The keening wail of the corn ubiquitous across the UK. Still today, you can hear it. And old timers (REALLY OLD timers) still speak fondly of a time when there were laws against this sort of thing.

Here's where I normally tell you what actually happened, but I JUST DID. In the United Kingdom, corn is permitted to run wild and free. There's nothing else to find out. Move along.

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Happy. Birthday. Happy happy.

Birthday.
To.

Philip
Glass.

Who may or may not be buying a loaf of
bread
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ZIPPITY BEE BOP ZIP DIPPY DAW! I'M COOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRN! WOO!

January 30, 2008

IBEater Ariana checks in with a question:
"Are you SURE today is Chekov's birthday? I've heard several different dates in January, including my own birthday (no, no! No belated card necessary. I am, however, registered at Target and Macy's) on the 17th. That's the one I like to go with. This way, I can say that, like you and I, I am cosmically connected with Anton. I'm hoping that this was just a misprint."

I check out with an answer:
Oh, Ariana, there's good news and bad news. You and Chekov do share a birthday OLD SCHOOL you know what I mean? You don't? Well, Chekov was indeed born on January 17th using the Julian Calendar, as Russia had not yet jumped on the Gregory Bandwagon (good folk band). Adjusted for inflation (or gregation or whatever) his birthday works out to January 29th. But then if you were measuring your birthday in the Julian Calendar, it would be January 4th!

So it looks like you and Chekov do not really share a birthday per se, but what's a fortnight between friends? Nothing at all, right? It's basically the same day.

That being said, I'd like to take this opportunity to be the FIRST to wish you a very happy birthday.

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Note to Numerological IBEaters: I checked out all the math. I did. See? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Old_Style_and_New_Style_dates#Differences_between_Julian_and_Gregorian_dates

So THERE!

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The Featured Article on (at?) Wikipedia today is Manos: The Hands of Fate. Which is AWESOME.

January 29, 2008

On this date in 1936, the first inductees into the Baseball Hall of Fame were announced.

On this date in 1963, the first inductees into the Football Hall of Fame were announced.

Wait, what?

!!!!!

The Baseball Hall of Fame had a SECRETARY named JOHNSON! The Football Hall of Fame had a SECRETARY named LINCOLN! Patterns. Patterns. Patterns in the snow. I want to believe. Today is Anton Chekov's 148th birthday. He's in the Hall of Fame. OF LIFE.

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Today is Constitution Day in Gibraltar. Which is the day when Gibraltar shows the world what they're made of.

My guess? Rock.

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Why would you possibly want to unsubscribe? Not when it's just getting good.

January 28, 2008

On this date in 1754, Horace Walpole wrote a letter to Horace Mann (wonderfully dramatized in the film "The Mirror Has Two Horaces") in which he coined the word "serendipity". He also presumably suggested the idea for "frozen hot chocolate" and first conceived of "bad romantic comedies." He also (later) came up with the idea that "if you're not sure whether to put the period inside the quotation marks or not, make sure to have at least two instances where you need to do it and be inconsistent.". I think it's this last idea that has the most impact on my daily life.

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On this date in 1887, a snowstorm in Montana produced the largest snowflakes on record, with some as big as 15 inches across. I used to actually think that *all* snowflakes were that big (well, approximately 8 1/2 inches by 11 inches, minus the corners). I didn't realize that snowflakes were tiny, and was kind of disappointed when I found that out. I'm happy to know that somewhere, somewhen, snowflakes existed that could decapitate me. That's all I want from my precipitation. I don't think it's asking for much.

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I'm hoping that I'm able to actually work an entire work without succumbing to illness! Here's to hopiOW MY EVERYTHING!

January 25, 2008

Hi. Sorry this is late. I think I may have finally kicked this thing though, after sleeping for like 50 hours over the past three days. Ugh. But I'm feeling good now, yeah! INSTANT BREAKFAST!

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On this date in 1792, the London Corresponding Society was founded. They wrote SO many letters to other cities, none of which were ever returned, because they were, in fact, the first corresponding society. Instead, they took to writing each other letters, but that wasn't nearly as exciting.

OK, actually, the LCS was a radical reform organization founded by John Frost (not the mythical creature who nips your nose) and Thomas Hardy (not the author of Jude the Obscure) that protested against wars and for greater representation of working class peoples. The British government (surprise!) took poorly to their suggestions, and tried changing laws, arresting people, holding members without trial, and all the usual stuff. The group ultimately split under pressure in 1799, but they still, from time to time, would write each other letters remembering the good times they once had.

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Correspondence of the Weak!

IBEater Original Recipe Meg whispers:
"I've been so busy I've been slacking on my IB reading, but I still occasionally look at Fridays - sometimes the Correspondence of the Weak is even funnier when the context of people's comments is completely unknown."
I've been so busy I hardly even write Instant Breakfast anymore. At least on time.

IBEater Deena reads the news-paper:
"wait. are you now writing the On This Day factoid for the new york times? Because this sounds a lot like something you'd make up:

ON THIS DAY

On Jan. 18, 1912, English explorer Robert F. Scott and his expedition reached the South Pole, only to discover that Roald Amundsen had gotten there first.

No way. That would be horrible! Can you imagine? And to think I got pissed off when I had to retype an essay in 10th grade from my handwritten notes when the power went out and I lost my whole AP American History paper on why I effing loathe Alexander Hamilton. Man he was just horrible.

Well don't I feel a fool!"
Although I haven't YET been hired to write the factoid for the New York Times, I think it's only a matter of... um... time. I mean, I would have inserted a bit in there about how Robert "F." Scott and Roald "No N Necessary" Amundsen then fought to the death with the loser being impaled on the South Pole for all time. Something. I'd work on it, were I writing for the NEWSPAPER OF RECORD.

IBEater Morgan had me all worried:
"i wish to be the first to claim to be your father. paternity tests galore!"
But then IBEater My Father set my mind at ease:
"Hi son…."
Note to IBEater Meg: this is presumably one of those times when it's funnier out of context.

Everybody sent such nice emails when I wasn't feeling well this week, with the nicest of all being from IBEater Salty:
"I will never let you forget this."
Oh, Salty Salty Salty. You and I, friend, must FIGHT TO THE DEATH AT THE SOUTH POLE.

IBEater RachelA intones:
"I hope you feel better. I'm overtired and can't figure out where your show is happening on Friday, or how much it is. Can you help me, please?"
Absolutely! The show is tonight (tonight!) at 8pm (8pm!) at 169 Avenue C (by 10th Street!) and it's free (I think!). Hope to see you all there! I'm going to "teach" you about "art history!"

IBEater Andy doesn't like poetry:
""If I wanted to, could I be David VII McGee? Or would I have to clone six of me, and then that guy could be?"
truly unfortunate rhyme."
Hey, man. I was just trying to get my Seuss on.

IBEater Jesse has an idea for my name change:
"I think you could still be David I McGee, or even I David McGee. Just imagine this exchange:

Some Dude/Dudette: Who the heck are you?
You: I am I David McGee!
Some Dude/Dudette: ...What was that? Do you, like, really love the movie "I, Robot"?
You: Well, it was a book first or something, but no, that's not it....
Some Dude/Dudette: Is it a biblical thing or something?
You: ...No....
Some Dude/Dudette: Then what's up with it?
You: My name's Dave. Just... never mind.
(You hang your head in shame and live a life of disappointment forever more.)"
So, I think what you're saying is: don't change it. Gotcha.

IBEater Jason--who is GUNNING for my job, apparently--will take you into the weekend with his replacement Instant Breakfast for the one I didn't write on Monday. What? Exactly. I'll see you on MONDAY unless this Martian Death Flu hasn't released its grip on me yet. Until then, have a great weekend. And if you live in South Carolina, don't forget to vote. OK, bye!
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No mysterious information about your absence yesterday?? Or did Gmail conspire against me to not bring me my Monday edition of IB?? Or was there just to many things that happened in history yesterday for you to decide and you just went with nothing?? Here are my top 5...

1. "1189 - Philip II of France and Richard I of England begin to assemble troops to wage the Third Crusade." Phillip 2 + Richard 1 = 3 Crusade...I think there is a math joke in there somewhere.

2. "1893 - The Tati Concessions Land, formerly part of Matabeleland, was formally annexed to the Bechuanaland Protectorate which is now Botswana." Formerly and formally - need I say anything more?

3. " 1925 - Albania declares itself a republic." Ahh, our good friend Albania with their glorious flag and anthem...if ever an excuse to send out the links again, this would be it!

4. "1968 - Vietnam War: Battle of Khe Sanh - One of the most publicized and controversial battles of the war begins." Donny was a good bowler, and a good man. He was one of us. He was a man who loved the outdoors... and bowling. If you need an explanation (search for Khe Sanh).

5. "2004 - Canada: The residence of reporter Juliet O'Neill is searched by the Royal Canadian Mounted Police (RCMP) investigating leaks concerning the deportation of Maher Arar." I think that there was something more to this story - perhaps relating to her sister April and some Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TMNT) - no????

And as a bonus - only one day later we already know that yesterday was historic. "2008 - Black Mondayin worldwide stock markets. FTSE 100 had its biggest ever one-day points fall, European stocks closed with their worst result since 9/11, and Asian stocks drop as much as 15%." I think this is the 40 billionth "black" day in history, apparently black is still IN in 2008 and everyone's hopes of "(Insert Your Favorite Color Here) Monday" will have to wait until 2009.

January 24, 2008

Thanks all for your kind wishes and 'get well' notes. They are most appreciated. They made me feel good enough to get up for work this morning, although somewhere between walking out of my home and walking in the door at work I realized it was probably a bad idea. The word of the day is: ugh.

Also, stay tuned after today's Instant Breakfast for an invitation to see me perform something I wrote! And also to see IBEaters Laura and Mark perform something else I wrote! And also to see art and whatnot! It'll be fun, plus it's early so you'll be able to make it to any and all, say, birthday parties you're going to later. Hope to see you there!

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On this date in 1742, Charles VII Albert became Holy Roman Emperor. Which I think is just rude. You can't just throw the numerals in there any time you want, Chuck. There's a place for them. But oh no. You had to be difficult. "I don't want to be Charles Albert VII! I want to be Charles VII Albert!" What does that even mean? Is it suddenly OK to be VII Charles Albert? If I wanted to, could I be David VII McGee? Or would I have to clone six of me, and then that guy could be? I don't even know anymore, I just want to go to bed.

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Jackson Pollack? Volcanoes? Pliny the Younger?
Less than 30 minutes?? Wowza!

THIS Friday 1/25@ 8 PM
LECTURE ME ONCE!
Excerpts from the Post-Meta Bovine Project and Vulcanalia by David McGee - performed by David McGee (PAGEANT! playwright), Laura "Moss" O'Brien and Mark "That's The One" Lindberg

OMG can you believe it? Ad Naus has more fun and multi disciplinary things in store?? No way! I'm going to burst! (Actually... Rory, much like our first drummer, has already spontaneously combusted. Sad...)
Well wipe those tears away and join us THIS FRIDAY 1/25 for LECTURE ME ONCE!- hilarious faux-lecture performances by David McGee (Pageant! playwright), Laura "Moss" O'Brien and Mark Lindberg.

Ad Nauseam Lyceum

PRESENTS

ANOTHER LAST YEAR!

Curated by
Ryan Frank, Deena Selenow, and Rory Sheridan

January 11 - February 2, 2008
Thursday-Sunday, 1PM – 7PM
@
EXPLOSIVO/chashama
169 Avenue C at 10th Street
NYC
----
THIS Friday, January 25 @ 8PM - LECTURE ME ONCE!
Excerpts from The Post-Meta Bovine Project & Vulcanalia, written by PAGEANT! playwright David McGee - featuring David McGee, Laura (Moss) O'Brien and Mark Lindberg
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CLOSING RECEPTION
7-9PM Saturday, February 2

Ad Nauseam Lyceum is proud to present ANOTHER LAST YEAR! at EXPLOSIVO/chashama from January 11 - February 2, 2008 . Please join us at our opening reception on Friday, January 11 from 7-9PM. There will also be live performances on Fridays, January 18 & 25 at 8PM and a closing reception on Saturday, February 2 .

ANOTHER LAST YEAR! is a unique look at how artists working in various disciplines address the cyclical nature of cultural progression, as well as the inseparability of anxiety and the passage of time. Offering a glimpse into the minds of 12 artists, Ad Nauseam Lyceum presents a group exhibition investigating the relationship between time, progress, and process. The exhibition will include painting, photography, media and sculpture by Amy Beecher, Brent Birnbaum, Matt Broach, Janna Coker, Cathleen Cueto, Danielle Durchslag, Scott Goodman, Sayaka Nagata, Anna Ogier-Bloomer, Carolyn Salas, Jake Scharbach , and Eli Stertz. Capturing the nostalgia of both the distant and recent past, each piece offers a glimpse into how these individual artists experience the passing of time with the coming of each new year. ANOTHER LAST YEAR! is both an examination and literal manifestation of an artistic process.

Ad Nauseam Lyceum is an artist run organization committed to showcasing multi-disciplinary work by emerging artists in New York . The group aims to give young artists an opportunity to collaborate, present work, and have a creative dialogue outside the traditional art market. Founded in 2006 by Ryan Frank, Deena Selenow, and Rory Sheridan , the group has hosted previous events at Ephemeroptera Art Space, chashama and 717 Studio, and has collectively shown the work of over 50 visual and performing artists. Dedicated to blurring the lines between various artistic genres, Ad Nauseam Lyceum is a platform for a new generation of artists working in performance, visual art, and new media.

chashama is a non-profit New York City arts organization with a nine-year history of supporting artists of all genres and experience levels by offering them access to space and major support resources. chashama provides opportunities for artists by transforming vacant real estate into multi-arts complexes and animating them with innovative and challenging art. Through low and no-cost admissions, chashama provides more opportunities for audiences as well as artists.

ANOTHER LAST YEAR! will be on display from January 11 – February 2, 2008 at EXPLOSIVO/chashama (169 Avenue C @ 10th Street, NYC). Gallery hours are 1-7PM, Thursday-Sunday and by appointment. For more information visit www.adnaus.com.

ANOTHER LAST YEAR! image created by Jake Scharbach
Recent Past TLP : 01, 2007, oil on canvas / video projection, 24"X36"

January 23, 2008

Instant Breakfast is calling in sick today.

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And will now go back to sleep.

January 22, 2008

On this date in 1506, the first contingent of Swiss Guards arrived at the Vatican, and before even being told "at ease!" all 150 of them adopted a neutral stance! No? OK.

On this date in 1521, Emperor Charles V opened the Diet of Worms. Hey, I guess when you're hungry, you'll eat anything! No? OK...

Um... OK, something earlier!

On this date in 565, Eutychius was deposed as Patriarch of Constantinople by John Scholasticus, who is widely credited with inventing the Book Fair! No?

FINE! BE THAT WAY! Nothing EVER happened in history. Ever. It's a myth. Like dry land. Hrumph.

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There isn't any. There never was any! YOU'RE NOT MY FATHER*!

*Unless you're my father, in which case Hi, Dad!

January 18, 2008

On this date in 1778, James Cook "discovered" the Hawaiian Islands, which he named the Sandwich Islands for reasons he laid forth in his blog. Er, log.

January 18, 1778. Fine day. Moving along at a jolly prosperous pace. Jolly prosperous. Have had naught to eat these past months but sea biscuit, sea biscuit, and sea biscuit. I'm so hungry I could eat a horse. A horse named SEABISCUIT. As if. Won't that be the day? Tee hee. Yes, the victuals on this worldwide journey leave much to be desired, particularly after we ran out of oranges, yellows, and greens (note: I believe these other two have names, but if the former is named for its colour, why isn't everything, huh? HUH?). Yes, we came with a large store of fruit, but all of it is now gone. On a completely unrelated note, nobody at all on this trip has come down with scurvy. STRANGE. Anyway, today I plan to just sit and imagine all the stuff I'd like to eat. Meat. Bread. Pudding. Radishes. Chocolate. A nice, thick sandw... what's that? What's that you say? You've spotted land? LAND? HAVE THEY SANDWICHES? HAVE THEY ANY SANDWICHES! TAKE ME TO THOSE ISLANDS AND PROCURE FOR ME A SANDWICH! HUZZAH! HUZZAH! HUZZAH!

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Welcome Haiku

There isn't one.

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Correspondence of the Weak!

There is some.

In last week's CotW, you may remember IBEater Jason saying this:
"I think you should ask your brother if he knows the leap year algorithm and can code it in under 5 minutes! "

Today, IBEater My Brother's thrilling conclusion:
"Yes, and yes. What's cooler, though, is that I used to have the "day of the week" algorithm memorized (which, of course, works in the leap year algorithm) and when I was really good at mental math and would ask someone for their birthdate (31 October 1961, for instance) and tell him or her what day of the week that was."
Josh, when you go to work, does anybody ever say "sounds like somebody's got a case of the Mondays?"

IBEater Eric is bilingually funny:
"Speaking of tsar vs. czar and French spelling, have we already talked about Vladimir Putin vs. Vladimir Poutine?"
No, but the image of the latter is, oddly, less disturbing than the image of the former. But neither is anywhere near as disturbing as the image of Vladimir Putain.

IBEater Owen throws down the gauntlet:
"This was your most "Achewood" IB yet."
You betrayed me. HOW COULD YOU!? YOU ARE TEARING ME A PART OWEN!

IBEater Slaney brings up painful memories:
"That was you outside my window last night with the telescope? I was so freaked out I almost called the Swamp Rabbit."
It wasn't ME! And don't mention that name! You betrayed me. HOW COULD YOU!? YOU ARE TEARING ME A PART SLANEY!

IBEater Morgan says:
"thank you."
See, those are the kind of emails we value here at IB. Morgan: You have successfully not torn me a part.

IBEater My Erstwhile Roommate knows a thing or two about the widgens:
"It's ok to fight with London. That bloke's a sodding ponce. I mean, I fink as a city s'alright then, innit? Where else y'gonna wax the cheesebox and mount the collywordge? But as a man, London's nuffin more'n a chumwizzle.
Innit?"
Wait, Inuit? What do they have to do with anything? OHHHH I see what you mean.

IBEater Valerie has been hearing good things about this "Breakfast" recently:
"Perhaps you need a pr plan for the leap year IBEater Celebration...a few media placements...get the buzz buzzing"
Yes. Can you make it seem appropriately "scandal...y...?" Scandalish? I know there's a word for this. Oh, right. Scandalesque.

Finally, I send you into the weekend with the thing you've been needing most in your life. Seriously. Just believe. Believe in your heart and then you'll truly be free. I have to go now. Bye. Here it comes:

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http://imhotepproject.com

January 17, 2008

On this date in 1648, England's Long Parliament (seriously, those guys had length) passed the Vote of No Addresses, which led to all sorts of complication with the mail delivery. "Oi, where's number 79 'ouse, then!? WHERE!? INNIT!?" street urchin/delivery boys were heard to shout before being answered with cries of, "You there! Boy! Haven't you heard! Today in England there are no addresses! Now go to the butcher's shop on the corner and bring back the goose! The one as big as you!" "But 'ow will I get it back to you, guv'nor? I can't tell where you live!" "My God, you're right! This," came the cry from every unnamed street in the land, "Means war!"

The angry mob, however, was unable to find the Palace. IRONY!

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Anyway, the Vote of No Addresses actually cut off negotiations with King Charles I. Whatever. Let's get to the meat: hey, London. Seriously. We're on the serious now. Reform your street names, OK? Streets don't need to change names every two blocks. That's not cute. It's just confusing. You guys gave us the bicameral parliament, you can certainly give us uniform street names. I know. I know, you think it's charming. "Even people who've lived here their whole lives carry around the London A to Zed!"

Well, Zed's dead, baby. Zed's dead.

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Sorry you had to sit through that argument... I know you hate it when London and I fight. It won't happen again. This month. Probably. Ahem. Moving right along, this may be your last chance to see me act. Ever. OH NOES! Hope to see you 'round someplace. OK bye. http://www.imhotepproject.com

January 16, 2008

On this date in 1492, the first grammar of a modern language was presented to Queen Isabella of Spain. She looked at it, sourly, and spake: "This what is? Ask me once day before not bothering to me stuff like what is the this. Not did I? Did?"

"Your majesty," the grammarians replied, "We're not quite sure what you're saying. Perhaps if you studied this pamphlet, all will be made clear."

"This to will clarify, Chuck. Heads and the offing heads of."

You can guess what happened next. That's right: grammar was sent to the New World where it was released into the wild, never being to again saw.

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Answer To Yesterday's Question

I remembered! And IBEater My Brother gets an A++ on the assignment. His totally correct answer is below:
"Homework:

Start: "On this date 1992, the independence of Croatia and Slovenia from Yugoslavia was recognized by the world."
1. In 1993, the band Naughty by Nature releases 19 Naughty III in which they include the questionable rhyme "Not cuz I hate you // Cuz I hail from Croatia"
2. At almost the exact same time, Wizards of the Coast releases the Legends expansion to Magic: The Gathering, which includes the questionable card Livonya Silone.
3. Profit!
Finish: "On this date in 1582, Russia ceded Livonia and Estonia to Poland."

I have thusly explained how the two events are related and unrelated. Q.E.D."

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Opening Night. Come feel the magic in the air. http://imhotepproject.com

January 15, 2008

According to my sources, today is Pongal in Tamil Nadu. Um, OK. According to other sources, "Gort! Klaatu barada nikto!" It's like nobody even cares anymore.

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On this date in 1582, Russia ceded Livonia and Estonia to Poland.
On this date 1992, the independence of Croatia and Slovenia from Yugoslavia was recognized by the world.
In three steps or fewer, explain how these two events are either related or unrelated. SHOW YOUR WORK.

Answer tomorrow. Unless I forget. Which seems likely.

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Happy seventh birthday to Wikipedia, which according to Wikipedia was born on this date in 1581.

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Hoi, hoi u embleer Hrair
M'saion ulé hraka vair.


Oh yeah, and come watch this play! It opens tomorrow! I LOOK THROUGH A TELESCOPE! http://imhotepproject.com/

Reply

Forward

January 14, 2008

Happy Julian New Year! Still in use by the Berbers and some orthodox churches, the Julian Calendar was first implemented when Julius Caesar crossed the Rubicon OF TIME. And overpowered it with his SUPERIOR FORCES. Then, the months all gathered together with Caesar and GAVE HIM HIS COMEUPPANCE. And as Caesar passed out of this world, he reached up and said "Eh tu, February?" and February was all like "Meh too, buddy. Meh too." And then the months laughed and laughed.

What?

Well, anyway. On this date in 1943 Franklin "Delano" Roosevelt became the first US President to travel by airplane while in office. Before that point, the Presidents just used their wings. Except for Coolidge, who used a "caterpillar"-like engine similar to the one featured in The Hunt for Red October.

I'm going to end this IB now.

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Come see my play! I'm in it! I'm acting! It's called Calvin's Island! I play Calvin! We open on Wednesday! It runs through Saturday night! FIVE PERFORMANCES! Yes yes yes! http://imhotepproject.com/

January 11, 2008

It's apparently Independence Resistance Day today in Morocco. Yes! YES! Resist independence with all your might! Be dependent! Rely on others alone! Be incapable of self-sustenance! Become a net importer! By which I mean not an importer of nets but rather one who imports in greater quantities than one exports! Go Morocco! What do we want! Dependence! When do we want it! Whenever it's good for you so don't trouble yourself too much! HUZZAH!

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It's time for a full serving of
Correspondence of the Weak!

IBEater Molly likes them apples:
"As my first ever correspondence for IB, I would like to point out that although I am not a full-time resident of Massachusetts, I do hail from and maintain a permanent address in MA...I only bring this up because you made such a big deal about the (1 (I (ONE!)) IBEater in Massachusetts :)"
Instant Breakfast deals not with where you *were*, but only with where you *are*. In that way, Instant Breakfast is totally unlike a tracking dog. Bonus fact: I could not point to Massachusetts on an unlabeled map unless you gave me like three tries. OH CRUEL GEOGRAPHY, WHY oh WHY won't you stay in my mind!

IBEater Lila has memorized large portions of the Cyclopedia:
"Grunion are known for their very unusual mating ritual. At very high tides the females come up on sandy beaches and dig their tails into the sand to lay their eggs. A male then wraps himself around the female to deposit his sperm. For the next ten days the grunion eggs remain hidden in the sand, but at the next set of high tides the eggs hatch and the young grunion are washed out to sea."
Thank you, Lila, that was very informative!

IBEater Adam knows kung fu:
"I say hello to you from Bali, which happens to be in Indonesia...though it is nothing like Indonesia. And Samarang is a samurai's boomerang. And he is already out to find and kill you for dishonoring his weapon."
Drat. Alas. Oh well. While he's already on his way here with a taste for blood, there's a certain rabbit hutch I'd like him to stop by first. You think he'd do it if I asked nicely?


IBEater Owen is looking for moose and squirrel:
"Did you know that Boris-of-Boris-&-Netascha-fame's last name is Badenov? Yeah, Rock & Bullwinkle were GOGOL funny, you know what I'm saying? "
Rocky and Bullwinkle were very influential in the development of my sense of humo(u)r. For instance, Snidely Whiplash stealing away Nell and shouting to Dudley: "Aha! I have her, and you shall never get her back! Or any other part of her!" Ten year old David McGee did most approve. And also, just for the record: OH BLAH BLAH BLAH.

IBEater Jason lives in an onion dome:
"I think your readers might like to know that Wikipedia thinks you should go with tsar because it is the closes possible transliteration of the original in "standard" English. But of course we don't care about that over here in the U S of A where we like to rock czar -- and as such it is the only form that Firefox spell checker recognizes as valid. Take that tsar and tzar! And as a further rift between us and the French (see Freedom Fries), they wholeheartedly support tsar!!"
I would listen to a band called Rock Czar. In fact, I kind of think everybody would. RIGHT?

IBEater Jesse is sweepin' the clouds away:
"You forgot about Ethelbert's best friend, Ethelernie."
I just want to meet Ethelsnuffleupagus. That dude is good.

IBEater Valerie uses the Davidian Calendar, apparently:
"You actually threw off my planning for the entire calendar year... "
I can't believe I did that. And I only have four calendars in front of me at my desk, too. Fairies. Cats. The Mediterranean. And "Paradise" which apparently means "Beaches." One of them should have told me it was a leap year. Stupid calendars.

IBEater Adam gets either his fourth or thirtieth CotW email this week:
"I didn't want to say anything about the days, but everyone gives you such a hard time with numbers."
Wait until they figure out that I actually don't know how to read, either.

IBEater My Father spots another error! First he quotes me:
"On this date in 2008, Instant Breakfast announced that from now on it would _____?______ only one terrible joke, but it would make the joke three times in quick succession. That joke was, of course, Proctor & Gamble."
Then he questions:
" I think there is a word missing in the above point. I've tried a few myself and have to confess that even when you make it a complete sentence I may not get the joke…."
Oh, the word is "buttress." That fixes it, right? Right.

Whew.

IBEater Jason takes us into the weekend, with not only a number of facts but also a CODING CHALLENGE! for IBEater My Brother. Let's see what happens. OK, I have to go now. Bye!

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And here I thought you were being funny yesterday by highlighting that it was a leap year and we had an extra day...turns out you were just lying to us all!! Does that mean that I can no longer read the IB as fact??? Moral dilemmas so early into 2008, it is going to be a long year.

Good thing I didn't go in yesterday and start fixing every specific day page on wikipedia!
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/January_9 -- see first two sentences).

I got excited thinking about the leap year and went ahead and checked out Feb. 29 on wikipedia...I am looking forward to that Friday's IB already!!

Last 2 facts for this email:
1. Did you know wikipedia had a tip of the day??! I don't even know if you care or where you glean your item each day but I love all things wikipedia and am unsure how I never stumbled upon this until today. Thank you google search for Feb. 29!! ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:Wikipedia_Tip_of_the_day)
2. Excellent information here about leap year - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leap_year. I only bring it up for 2 reasons:
a. Can the IB from this day forth refer to the leap year as the intercalary year?
b. I think you should ask your brother if he knows the leap year algorithm and can code it in under 5 minutes!

That was technically 4 facts...sorry I lied...seems to be the trend for this week...

January 10, 2008

Today's Unsubscribe Information contains a very special notice. Won't you read on?

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On this date in 1990, two great companies joined forces to create the Time Warner company. Those companies were, of course, Newsweek and Paramount.

On this date in 2000, it was announced that America Online had opted to purchase Time Warner for $162 billion, forming a new company which would be called, of course, Daimler-Chrysler.

On this date in 2008, Instant Breakfast announced that from now on it would only one terrible joke, but it would make the joke three times in quick succession. That joke was, of course, Proctor & Gamble.

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IBEater My Father pointed out to me yesterday that my count on the number of remaining days was wrong--WRONG!--because 2008 is a leap year. My goodness, was he ever right. I AM SORRY I MISLED YOU.

Allow me to fix my error: as of *today* there are 356 days remaining in the year. Won't you readjust your plans accordingly?

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OH YEAH! I'm in a play that opens next week. Me! ACTING! Come see it! It runs January 16th-19th at 8pm with a 2pm matinee on the 19th as well. It's awesome! I'M IN IT! Click this: http://imhotepproject.com/index.php?content_id=story ! OK BYE!

January 9, 2008

On this date in 1431, judges' investigations began in the trial of Joan d'Arc (colloquially Joan Avark). They just investigated and kept on investigating, those judges. And when, finally, it was time for a verdict, the tribunal spoke.
"Let's incinerate her!" cried the first judge.
"Let's canonize her!" cried the second.
"Yes," agreed the first judge. "I concur. Let us shoot her out of a cannon!"
"No, not cannonize, canonize."
"What?"
"I mean make her a saint!"
"Make her a SAINT? Why would we do that?"
"Why would we set her on fire? HUH?"
"SHUT UP!"
"NO YOU SHUT UP!"
"Guys! GUYS!" the third judge finally broke in. "I think, if we just work this through rationally, that we can reach some sort of a compromise..."

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There are 356 days left in the year. Plan accordingly.

January 8, 2008

On this date in 871, King Ethelred of Wessex defeated a Danish army at the Battle of Ashdown, keeping England safe from pastries for just that much longer.

Two quick notes:
1) Not nearly enough people are named Ethelred these days.

2) Ethelred's father was named Ethelwulf, and that's even MORE awesome.

Doesn't get its own note) His brother was named Ethelbert. That's less awesome.

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On this date in 1790, George Washington delivered the first State of the Union address. I just happen to have the full text of it right here in front of me:

"Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, members of Congress, my fellow Americans: Seriously? We've been a country for like six minutes. The state of the union is: really really new. But I'm working on it, OK? I'm sure everything's fine, just hold your damn horses. This stuff takes time, savvy? Great. I'll be back in a year. God bless you, and God bless the United States of America."

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Happy Commonwealth Day to all IBEaters in the Northern Mariana Islands. There's always a chance, you know? Just covering my bases.

January 7, 2008

On this date in 1598, Boris Gudunov became Tsar (also written as "Czar"; "Tzar"; and "KHAAAAAAAN!") of Russia, leading to all sorts of Abbot & Costello-like routines whenever one citizen asked another who the Zarr was. What's that you say? I didn't ask you if he was doing the job right, I asked the fella's name.

As a member of the ruling council before his tzarship (Enterprise!) began, Boris was responsible for the 1587 decree which forbade peasants from transferring themselves (also known as: moving) from one landowner to another, bringing the age of serfdom to its highest (by which I mean "lowest") point. It was also at this time that the peasants suggested that he change his last name to "Totalisuks."

But among the people who he didn't totally enslave, Gudunov was very popular, bringing in an age of prosperity and intellectual progress (with, you know, a GLARING oversight or two). He opened foreign relations, and allowed for some religious freedoms, and brought in foreign teachers, and then died childless and alone in 1622.

In summary, if I were forced to fully summarize his reign in exactly two words, they would be these:

Pretty good.

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It's Festa del Tricolore in Italy today! The day when EVERYONE eats Neapolitan!

January 4, 2008

On this date in 1854, William McDonald, captain of the Samarang (SAMARANG! It comes back to you when you throw it! It's what the Lost Boys yell to Robin Williams! It's a city in Indonesia! SAMARANG!), discovered the aptly named McDonald Islands. Upon spotting the islands, McDonald took to his journal to describe the lovely sights he saw before him:

"Behold," he wrote, "The loveliest islands I e'er seen. How shall I chance to describe their natural splendour? Let me see... two all-green masses, flecked with moss, precious trees, tricked with grunion and a... um... sesame-seed bun."

In actuality, however, the McDonald Islands at that time were not lovely (no grunion to speak of) but barren and covered in seals. One of those "problems" has now been "fixed." Guess which one? Da-da-da-da-da-DAH: PROGRESS!

January 3, 2008

On this date in 1777, George "Charles" Washington defeated Charles "George" Cornwallis at the Battle of Princeton. This was a major turning point of the American Revolution, for following his bitter defeat, Cornwallis was forced to attend his safety school.

Also on this date in Stephen "F." Austin received a land grant in Texas from the government of Mexico. He would go on to found the city we all know and love today, which he so selflessly named "Ft. Worth."

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Welcome Haiku

Helloooooo Alissa!
Newest of our fast-growing
...Illinoisians?

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Illinoisans? Illinoites? Only one out of the three does not have the dotted red line of Firefox distress. Can you guess which one!?

January 2, 2008

aaaaaaAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHWOW thank goodness I got out of there. I have never EVER eaten so many carrots in my life. Except for a stretch in 1995 which I'd rather not go into at the moment. Anyway, I've ordered new locks for the doors, a new bridge for the moat, and I need to find somewhere else for my stuffed animals and topiary. Let me know if you have room. LOTS of room. My topiary needs space to BREATHE, OK?

Oh yeah, and Happy Gregorian New Year. Somewhere, Gregory is very, very happy.

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On this date in 533, Mercurius became the first Pope to choose a new name upon elevation to the papacy (IBEater Jason had asked about this custom a couple of weeks ago and I IGNORED HIS QUESTION because I did not know the answer). The name he chose: Pope John II.

Umm... really? Your name is "Mercurius" and you change it to "John"? That... seems an odd choice. But it did start quite the trend. The next Pope, Venutius, changed his name to Alan. Terrus to Bob (Pope Bob IX). Martius tried to change his name to Bob as well, but there was internecine squabbling, so he went with Phil. And, of course, we don't talk about Pope Plutus. He's been retroactively downgraded from Pope anyway. Not Anti-Pope. Just Mini-Pope.


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It's the Eighth Day of Christmas! But I really have all the milk I need, so no need to send another gift. However I am now in possession of 16 calling birds that WON'T STOP CALLING. I have to leave my phone on silent just to get anything done. HOTCHA!

December 18, 2007

On this date in 1271, Kublai Khan officially renamed his country "Yuan" (which translates from Chinese as "The Dome of Pleasure" (with the connotation of the dome being "stately," if that makes sense (or even if it doesn't))). He then proceeded to... wait? What's that odd chuckling I hear behind me? That high-pitched ominous cackle that usually speaks of...

Oh.

Oh no.

Let me just... slowly... turn... my chair arouOH MY SWEET GOODNESS NO! THE SWAMP RABBIT HAS SOMEHOW PENETRATED MY COMPOUND! I must flee! FLEEEE!

I gotta go. I gotta get out of here. How did he even get in here? And I'm running, why is he just walking ever so slowly with that grin on his face!? THE NET! WHERE DID HE GET THAT GIANT NET!? Oh ZUT! He must have been hiding in the stuffed animals! Or in the extensive indoor collection of topiary! DAMN MY RIDICULOUS SENSE OF INDOOR DECORATION! And why did I lock this door so many times! Twelve! Thirteen! And the burglar bar! And the second burglar bar! What I would give for a rabbit bar, just one rabbit bar! He's still approaching but the door is stuck! GrrrrrrrTHERE got it open! Now I just have to lower the drawbridge and... wait... wait! Where's the drawbridge lever? Where is it? It was right... oh no. Oh no, he has it! He's attached his giant net TO the drawbridge lever! OH CRUEL IRONY I'M TRAPPED INSIDE MY OWN COMPOUND! The rabbit is upon me! Nooo! NOOOO! HAPPY NEW YEEEEEEEEEEEEE


*8*888

i HaVe yOUr mAn aGAiN i hAVE hIm He IS in mY NeT. i MadE MY nET. It iS MiNe. yOu mUSt NEed hiM YOu mUsT seND CaRTer SeND CarTER seND jAMEs e> CArTer. sEnd hIM NoW aND SEasONaL vEGetAbleS. i WiLL saY PlEasE I mUSt havE theM. iT wIlL bE MY crISPmasS pReSeNT. MaRRy CRisPmAS. oK bYE.

December 17, 2007

Happy 322nd birthday to Thomas Tickell, minor British poet (until he turned 18). Thomas Tickell is most widely remembered for his essay "On the Introduction of Certain fubftancef to the Human fkin" in which he became the first to explain:

"The human fkin if paffing ftrange; if one pluckf a feather (that'f "feather" not "feather" by the way, I know thefe letterf look alike) from a nearby duck of goofe or pigeon or perhapf oftrich if one if in the bizarre climef of the fub-continent, and introducef faid feather to the expofed fkin of a friend, relative, ftranger, or d) none of the above, one will note that the owner of that fkin will reply by fhaking uncontrollable, chorling, perhaps fcreaming, and in fome cafef, even dying. I fhall call thif act: the tickell. And thofe who experience it: tickellifh."

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Io, faturnalia! I mean, Saturnalia!

Seriously, it's far more difficult to replace one letter with another than I would have thought. But ultimately worth it, I'm sure we can ALL agree.

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I have a really good feeling about the rest of the week. Especially tomorrow. Something special's going to happen, I can just tell. It's a sense I get. I think it's FOREBODING. Wait, I mean A CONNECTION WITH THE UNIVERSE. That's better.

December 14, 2007

On this date in 1542, Mary Stuart became Mary Queen of Scots. And then there was a thing with an assassination attempt and being locked in the tower and a long brutal struggle between Catholics and Protestants and I TOO CAN COMMAND THE WIND SIR and then she mixed tomato juice and vodka? Wait, that was her second cousin? First cousin once removed? And what's up with the whole 'saying her name to a mirror' angle to the whole thing?

Oh, also on this date in 1819, Alabama became the 22nd United State. So maybe there's a connection there? And where did they get the tomato juice? And who made the mirrors??

No matter. There's a lot to get to today.

*****
Ridiculous Product of the Week (NEW FEATURE!? zOMG!)

IBEater Rebecca passes along this bit o' knowledge:
"Thunderbird thinks this message is junk. I won't even tell you what Outlook said about it; the 2007 version is all sorts of uppity. The email program that pretends your email is an airplane coming in for landing thinks it's totally cool tho.
http://gizmodo.com/gadgets/email-software/3d-mailbox-level-2-now-includes-airport-sim-312382.php "
That. Is. Ridiculous. And not even like 'cool ridiculous' just like 'straight diculous.' You don't even have to do it twice. Wow.

*****
Correspondence of the Weak!

IBEater Deena reads Mark Trail:
"Hey... I found some rather large rabbit droppings outside of my door this morning and trailing down my steps were smallish footstep-like puddles with bit of fur, twigs and what seemed like a thick watery substance... What do you make of that?"
Hmm. I don't know, but I don't like the sound of it. Let me just make sure... yep. All my windows are tightly sealed. The doorways are heavily barricaded. The flue is welded shut. My compound sits on a concrete slab 30 feet thick. There's absolutely no way any sort of leporid to get in here. Unless it's ALREADY in here. And we both know that's impossible.

IBEater Adam seeks the ship of his fellows:
"Any IBEaters staying in New York for Christmas? Perhaps we can all get together and make a hardly-instant-but certainly-well-cooked breakfast? Dave, you're invited."
Well, thanks! But I won't be around. However, I'm putting the word out: anybody around and looking for something to do?

IBEater Slaney Chadwick Ross has had her world shaken by the truth. LITERALLY.
"Work-Study Dane is real? I thought he was a figment of Deena's imagination, invented in a time of considerable emotional stress."
Hmm. IBEater Workstudy Dane? Dane? Dane? Dane? Anyone? Dane?

"I do have a test today. that wasn't [alfalfa]. It's on European socialism. I mean, really, what's the point? I'm not European. I don't plan on being European. So who cares if they're socialists? They could be fascist anarchists. It still doesn't change the fact that I don't own a car.
I think that quote explains everything abut Human Rights Day...."
Well... either Workstudy Dane exists or Deena is going to a lot of effort to keep up the charade.

IBEater Rory wants me to give him his name:
"I'm wondering why an email that a) asks explicitly not to be in CotW is and b) how an email that so graphically depicts the runs is more acceptable than mine about [being attracted] to mosaic.
Rory Chaduhwick Sher"
That is an absolutely fair question. To which the only obvious answer is: yeah, well, shut up.

IBEater SAnderson (may I call you SAnderson?) may win the Crappy World History Class Experience Award:
"did your world history teacher blast "we didn't start the fire" every morning before class because it was "historical"? mine did."
Oh, no. So what you're saying is, you don't know about anything pre-1949, but you do know a lot about Brando, The King and I, and The Catcher in the Rye?

IBEater Jesse calmly inquires:
"Isn't that the name of an album by The Offspring – Nativeamericana? I think it's the one that came out after Ixnay On The Edray Hombre...."
According to AMG, they do have an album called Americana. On which, I presume, they sing of those creepy little ceramic figurines and warm pie crust, or something. As opposed to singing about longhouses and the newest maize crop.

IBEater Jonesy knows a thing or seventeen:
"Exams are over
Caroline is done, hooray
New York, here I come!"
Well done! Congratulations! PSST! WHAT'S THE ANSWER TO NUMBER FOUR?

IBEater My Brother wants to know who this Freud is. Is he a passenger?:
"I once tried to say "shareware author" and it came out "Shakespeare"."
That's very lasagna. I mean, good. Forget this whole thing ever happened.

IBEater Albert Albert Albert Albert Albert:
"Only now do I really understand how disturbed Malkovich must have felt when he went into that Malkovich portal."
Albert Albert Albert Albert Albert. Albert. Albert? Albert?

IBEater Jesse makes what I presume is a computer joke:
"So what you're telling us is that the story of Pope Celestine V is a rather basic one?
::snare drum, snare drum, high-hat::"
No. I mean, yes. Yes and no. Of course (not). Ahem. I don't know what this means.

IBEater My Brother makes what I am certain is a computer joke, although I still don't get it:
"I'm enough of a programming geek to have tried to figure out where your unterminated string constant ended ("Tack on an extra "V" for "Virtue!"...") Apparently your parenthetical quote of Celestine contains a right parenthesis, several newlines, a string of asterisks, and everything up to the utterance AAUGH! Not sure how to pronounce all that.

The AAUGH!, though, leads me to conclude that you hate unterminated string literals as much as I do.

Still don't know who you're quoting on the other side of AAUGH, though. Oh, and your message isn't compiling. Just thought you should know."

- Josh

P.S. Two strings slither into a bar. One of them says "Hi, I'd like a beer9 asdfhofehweooqoeiohfofbuo23i3h9

3 rwae hfewf3grfweohifasdfdasdf". The other says, "You must excuse my friend, he's not null-terminated."
P.S. I'll sell you a double quote for five dollars!"
Oh. So, um, what you're saying is that I forgot a quotation mark? And also, YOU'RE A TOTAL NERD! BUUUUUURN! Ahem. See you Tuesday.

And on that note. IBEater The Other Meg takes you into the weekend. Have a good one. Back on Monday. OH YEAH.

*****
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Funny that you should address someone as IV, because I was JUST telling someone TODAY about a guy I knew with that name!

see, a coworker came in my office and saw a picture of my family, asked their names, then asked if Trey was short for something (yes, we've been over the Gustave bit).

I mentioned that Trey is one of those functional nicknames, as is Trip, for indicating the 3rd of something.

"oh," said my coworker.

"yep," I said.

Then I told her about a guy I briefly knew (by that I mean met out a few times and brought to my senior year prom) named "Ivy." At least that's what I thought his name was. I had only been verbally introduced to him, so I just assumed the kids name was spelled how it is pronounced: Ivy. I should have asked for clarification, since I am a spelling stickler, but I didn't. After all, I knew the kid through a guy named Monte and another guy named Rand, so who was I to say that Ivy was a weird name??

So, it wasn't until college, when my friend's boyfriend and I were reminiscing about New Orleans, that I find out that Ivy Mouledoux is Taylor Mouledoux's cousin!! Who'da thought??? Believe it or not, Mouledoux is a common name in Louisiana! Anyhow, Taylor goes onto tease me about taking his cousin (who he referred to as 4-boy) to prom. Then he explained that IV or Ivy or "the symbol representing meg's prom date" was actually the 4th in a line of (blank) Mouledoux's. And there I've gone and forgotten his real name!

Anyway. IV. It's real and out there!